


A Light That Never Goes Out

by monolorian



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And Ben the one who survived, Angst, But No Actual Suicide, Fun, OCs - Freeform, Post-TRoS, Suicidal Thoughts, What if Rey was the one who died on Exegol, ben solo centric, the whole shebang
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:28:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27425725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monolorian/pseuds/monolorian
Summary: After the Battle of Exegol Ben is the one to survive. Struggling with a lack of purpose and the loss of Rey, he tries to navigate his life by asking himself what Rey would do. His path eventually leads him to cross paths with a young orphan.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	A Light That Never Goes Out

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by an artwork by @selunchen. 
> 
> This ended up going in a completely different direction as is usually the case for me. What is planning? I don't know her.

“Kriff...“

It has been five standard years since Ben Solo had been reborn by the voice of his mother, a stab to his chest and the ghost of his father cradling his cheek. It had been five standard years since he had raced to a planet of lightning, with nothing but a blaster in his hand and his heart full of hope. Five standard years since he had killed his own Knights and arrived at Rey's side, only to be incompetent and foolish enough to let Palpatine catch him off guard and throw him into a dark abyss. 

It has been five years since he had climbed out of that pit, while Rey had stood in front of Palpatine with two lightsabers crossed, both of which were his legacy – all of it in her hands. Five years since he had come up behind her, put his hands over hers and given her all the strength that he had left inside of him, given up all the space that had yet been between them, preventing them from truly being one – until now. Five years since he had felt the hands of his mother and uncle on his shoulders, five years since they had heard the voices of those who had passed into the Force encouraging them to finish what they had started. Five years since all of Palpatine's darkness had been reflected back to him and turned it into his own demise. Five years since he had crawled to Rey's side, her body as weakened and fragile as his. He had made his peace with death a long time ago, sometimes even yearned for it. Today he had come here to die. He had come to die for her, but that hadn't worked out and he regretted it, even hated himself for it. He had failed again. He didn't come to kill Palpatine, he had come to save her and he had failed. 

And yet there he had been, still granted the small comfort of dying by her side and in that sense he was content. 

It has been five years since she had, with what little life she had left, lain her hand on his cheek, smiled at him and given him the remnants of herself.

And he had lived on.

And she hadn't.

Five years since the women he loved had, instead of letting him die while she passed onto the force, left him behind to live on without her.

Sometimes he wished he had never crawled out of that forsaken pit. 

Sometimes he cursed her for doing this to him. 

But most of the time he missed her. 

“Sir, please let me go!” The boy pleaded, clearly intimidated by Ben's relentless grip on his shoulder. Still, not intimidated enough it seemed, as the little rat had mere seconds ago sneaked his hand into Ben's bag and attempted to slip out whatever his little, sticky hands could reach. 

“Will not do.” Ben murmured. 

The boy was clearly starved, a victim of being born into unlucky circumstances. Maybe he should just let him get away. The child could clearly use whatever he had managed to snatch away from Ben, if it was not useful he could at least attempt to sell it and buy himself some food. Ben's most important possessions after all were not on him – they were hidden away on Chandrila. 

“Screw you, you old man!”

Forget it, this kid was clearly in need of a beating. He would show this dirty, little - 

No. 

No, that wouldn't do. Rey wouldn't do that. Or would she? He thought of the way she had bared her teeth when angered - which had been quite frequently. She had never been an ideal Jedi. He wondered what it would have been like to study under Luke with her together. If it would have been a little more bearable to not live up to his uncle's expectations if she had been there with him, failing meditation practice right along with him. 

He regarded the boy. Rey hadn't been the kind of person to pick on people weaker than her. She had even cared about Droids. He had no such qualms, after all if one was not equipped to fight it out then they shouldn't go seeking trouble. But Rey … Kriff, she would have probably helped the child rob someone. 

And for what felt like the millionth time alone this week Ben wondered “Why did she have to do this to me?”

“It's no wonder you look like a little worm with lacking pickpocketing skills like that. You won't survive long if you are this clumsy.” 

“I have been doing well until I came across you!”

“Oh, really?” This child was ridiculous, not only was he terrible at stealing but he was also horrendous at lying. 

The child started struggling more violently, drawing even more attention from the people around them, who had so far pretended to not notice anything in favor of not getting into trouble with a giant man clad entirely in black. Now, some of them were openly throwing concerned looks into their direction.

“Calm down, you little -”

Ben halted as a shock ran through him and the boy seized Ben's momentary immobility to tug himself out of his grasp and sprinted away into the sea of people. 

Ben huffed after the shock wore off. The boy was force-sensitive. 

Well, that explained how he managed to survive this long despite being cursed with a bad poker face and terrible dexterity.

At least he was free of having to decide how to deal with the boy, now that he had taken the choice away from Ben.

-

Or so he thought. 

Ben was lying on his back in the cheap little hotel room he had booked during his stay on this backwater planet. 

If he had it his way he would have ended his life a long time ago. Matter of fact, he would have ended it the moment Rey had passed into the Force. He knew a couple of pretty efficient ways one could kill themselves - quick and slow ones. Had he been a person who cared about redemption then he might've picked a slow one in a meager attempt to atone somewhat for the terrible things he had done. But he didn't care about atonement. All he had cared about was Rey. 

That was the only reason he kept going on. He did it because Rey had wanted him to. He did it because five years ago Rey had thought him worthy of the little that was left of her. She had thought him worthy of that sacrifice and he would not dishonor that. 

He would curse her for it occasionally and wonder if she was somehow lingering around him and laughing at his frustration. That would seem like her. He had never seen her laugh at anyone, but he knew her. He knew who she was and he knew she would have laughed at him. And then she would have tried to console him. And then maybe she would have kissed him again. Or stabbed him. One could after all never be sure with Rey. 

But she didn't do any of those things. She was dead. Far off to a place that he could never reach.

And she had left him with an aimless life. He had nobody, no goals. He spent these past years traveling planets he had never been to, visiting historical sights. Eating, sleeping, occasionally meditating, failing at it and then exercising instead. And then thinking about Rey. Rey. Rey.

Why couldn't he see her force ghost? What did she want him to do with his life? How would it be if she were alive? Would they be traveling together? Would they have had to part ways despite everything they had gone through? In another universe, would he have been the one who had died? 

For all he knew about her, he didn't know why she had done this. 

And he didn't know what to do with it. 

And that kriffin' kid won't leave his mind either. 

A force sensitive little street rat, how ironic that he would come across another one like that. Come to think of it, he had that same feral, wild look in his eyes as Rey had used to. He probably also didn't have any parents to take care of him. How old could he be? Thirteen? It was hard to tell, the kid was so thin and weary. His body was underdeveloped but the sunken in skin beneath his eyes made him look older. What were Rey's rebel friends doing? If their way of governance was so superior why the kriff did a child like that starve to death on this shithole of a planet? 

“Kriff...”

That day, when he had awoken next to an empty space where Rey's body had lain. When all that had been left of her were her dirt and blood stained white clothes and the remnants of her life force in him. When he had been desperate and devastated and hurting all over, he had asked himself – what would Rey do?

That had been his sole compass in his otherwise meaningless life. The motivator, the navigator. 

And he kriffin' knew what Rey would do. He dreaded it. 

Rey would take that child and get him out of here. 

Ben sighed, got up and left his room. 

“It shouldn't be too hard to find that clumsy rat …” Ben grumbled to himself. 

-

It was indeed easy to find the boy. Once Ben had felt the boy's force-signature it was a simple task to recognize him amongst the other people. If not for that, then he would have found him still, since the boy's signature was slightly stronger than the one's of the others, and now that Ben was looking for it he could feel it. The child was hiding at the marketplace, somewhere further away from the masses. Probably looking for his next target. 

The signature was nothing extraordinary, this child was no prodigy, not exceptionally gifted like Rey. But it was there and the boy was by himself. It would be irresponsible to just leave him here on his own. Such life circumstances could turn him into something dark and if not for the sake of maintaining balance in the Force then Ben would do it out of compassion for the boy. He knew little of surviving in dire circumstances, but he knew about being a young boy all alone.

Ben almost wanted to scoff – Balance in the Force, he hadn't felt balanced in years.

No, he really couldn't care less about the Force or Jedi or Sith. Or politics. None of it leads anywhere and all of it is just an endless turning in circles. 

He didn't really care for the boy either, but he felt compassion for his circumstances and he knew Rey wouldn't just leave the child. 

Ben stepped up to the boy as silently as he could, secretly glad that he maintained his stealth despite having had less practice in it. 

“Hey, – uh - kid.”

The boy startled where he was sitting in a hidden corner of the busy marketplace. The recognition was evident on his face and when he made to run away from Ben, he once again grabbed him by the shoulder. The boy intended to shock Ben again, who sensed it immediately.

“I would not do that if I were you.” Something in his tone and expression warned the boy enough to not test his luck a second time. He remained still, clearly frightened. 

“What do you want from me, you old fart?!”

This brat … 

Ben could feel his left eye twitch but he took a deep breath in and breathed his frustrations out, or some kriff like that. He always had a hard time remembering Luke's teachings. 

“I have a proposition for you.”

“A what?”

“I want to make a deal with you, you illiterate fool.” 

“I'm pretty sure you just insulted me.”

“And you insulted me, so now we're even. Are you coming or do I have to drag you?”

It was the small things, Ben decided, for he felt infinitely glad the boy had not decided to cause him further trouble and instead just nodded and followed him to a food stall. He told the boy to pick whatever he wanted, figuring that while bribing might be amoral, it was certainly effective. Ben didn't delude himself into thinking he seemed trustworthy. He hadn't inherited his father's charm or his mother's way with words. He also hadn't inherited his uncle's patience. This was clearly bound to end in disaster. His mind drifted to the memory of Rey's buns all askew after their battle on Starkiller base. 

The child seemed to be intent on draining him of all his credits and he did have to eventually stop his order with a firm “That's enough” to which the boy replied “You said whatever I wanted” at which Ben then gently but firmly shoved the boy further along. 

Despite his complaints the boys arms were filled with all kinds of treats and while he refused to smile, his eyes still betrayed his joy. It made Ben feel a little better about what he was about to do. Maybe this would be worth it. Maybe sacrificing his peace and solitude would be worth making at least one person happy, if he himself couldn't be it. 

They reached a secluded area and Ben didn't know if the boy was naive to walk here with him or if the boy thought the food would be worth any possible danger. He watched the boy settle and eat. For a long moment Ben just watched him. His wild mannerism, jumping from one dish to the other, at times pushing sweet and spicy dishes into his mouth at the same time and then coughing. 

“Hey, calm down. You will get stomach aches if you continue like this.”

“Why did you buy me this?”

“I wanted you to trust me.”

“I don't trust you.”

“Great.”

How was he already failing? He hadn't even started talking yet.

“I want you to join me.”

The boy actually stopped chewing at that and stared at Ben in shock. The boy's eyes were hazel. This felt familiar in a way Ben did not appreciate. 

“Did you ever notice that you were able to do strange things? Impossible things?”

At that the boy's mouth snapped shut and his eyes sharpened, immediately remembering instances. Ben noticed and nodded, encouraging the boy to speak. 

“I... can sometimes freeze people. It doesn't always work, but it sometimes helps me when people try to beat me up. I can startle them for a bit and then run away.”

“Like you did to me yesterday.” The boy nodded. “Anything else?”

The boy grinned “Well, I have the ability to make girls fall in love with me! I swear they all go crazy when they see me-”

“Stop right there.” What an idiot this kid was. He really didn't want to do this. “Anyway. This thing you can do – immobilize people – I can do things like that too. I can teach them to you.”

“Teach me?”

Ben nodded. “I would teach you, make you able to take proper care of yourself and after that you can go and live a long and happy life. If that is something you want.” 

“What could you teach me?”

“That would depend on how adept you are on picking up things. I could teach you how to manipulate people, read their minds. Maybe different ways you can defend yourself, since you are clearly not physically able to do so.” Ben secretly hoped he would decline, he already knew this boy would drive him insane. But Rey's face drifted before his mind's eye and he remained silent, waiting for the child's answer. The boy remained silent for several moments, probably contemplating the pros and cons of leaving with a strange stranger. 

But apparently he had come to the conclusion that no matter how badly leaving with Ben could end for him, that it was still better than whatever awaited him if he stayed here. 

“I will go with you.”

And that was it. Five years after Ben had died and been reborn, five years after he had lost the one person who had been his other half – the only half he had cared about – he had sealed his and this boy's fate.

As he and the boy walked up the ramp towards Ben's ship, the boy's humble possession's crammed into a small bag, Ben asked 

“What's your name anyway, kid?”

And the boy responded

“Han.”


End file.
